December 27, 2010

Six months ago I played a damaging, ingenious trick on myself. I decided to write fiction. No more articles. No more journalism. Fiction. But fiction isn’t a career. It’s a lifestyle with no immediate returns. It’s founded on failure and takes incredible dedication, which is precisely why my intestines immediately inverted, I stopped sleeping and my heart retreated.

When I started writing, really writing and stripped myself of measurable success, which is single-minded and safe, the identity I created for myself when I was a child — pushing to grow up, get to college, make money, excel at everything — treading a path I thought would lead me to life, but exhausted me into oblivion, I didn’t find anything. 29 and hollow.

I decided not to read Revelation because I no longer want to see what’s coming. I’ll catch it when it comes.

Everyone holds onto something — religion, relationships, careers, wealth — because can’t imagine letting go. Latching on is the easiest means to an end.

I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’m no longer going to will myself to choose a direction. I’m doing something. Will be doing something. I just don’t know what it is yet and for me, that’s enough.

It’s daunting. It’s freeing. It’s paralyzing, but it just…is.

I deconstructed myself yet in some way I don’t yet understand, the Bible kept me honest, prevented me from vanishing into a familiar shadow.

I have faith in not knowing. I have faith in love, fear, newness, memory, pain, happiness, simplicity, loyalty. The faith I have in myself is new and I remind myself of that every hour, every minute of every day, but I know that some day, it will just be.

10 Responses to “Revelation.”

  1. marg said

    Could you elaborate for me what you mean by “I deconstructed myself yet in some way I don’t yet understand, the Bible kept me honest, prevented me from vanishing a familiar shadow.”

    Also, I wondered if you did go to a church yesterday and if so, what your experience was like.

    You did well to read all that you did in the short time you gave yourself! I’ve read the Bible through in a year a few times and even on that kind of schedule it required reading several pages every single day. It’s a big book! Actually…it’s a mini library. :o)


    • thumpme said

      Well, the last couple months have been really interesting, tough and revealing and, as a result, I had to really take a hard look at myself hence the deconstruction. The whole idea of faith, which I was of course examining through the Bible, really encouraged me to remain true to myself, which is very difficult to do during major life changes. I feel like if I hadn’t been reading the Bible, I wouldn’t have had as much faith in myself to make some of these decisions, like I might have just swept some things under the rug rather than thinking — OK, you have to deal with this. You have to listen to yourself even though that’s the hardest thing to do right now. The whole concept of faith certainly helped me listen to things I otherwise would have ignored.

      Does that make sense?

  2. Linda said

    OK, sometimes writers & entertainers resort to shock value – is that what you are doing? I really am surprised that you would read all of the Bible except the final book. If you gave a reason, I didn’t get it. Would you do that with a great mystery fiction? Revelation is the thrilling book of victory! Revelation wraps it all up and ties it with a bow!

    • thumpme said

      I definitely play with shock value. It is one of my favorite writer tools however, that’s not what I intended by choosing to skip Revelation. I put off reading it for about two days. Then, when I sat down to read it I thought, you know what, a lot of things in my life are the way they are because I make decisions to make decisions. I can’t wait for answers so I make rash decisions because it forces answers and ties up loose ends.

      So, I’m making some changes in my life and one thing I want to do is stop making decisions just to get the satisfaction of an answer. I felt that by reading Revelation, I would have an answer. It’s a conclusion and in keeping with this new, very difficult philosophical shift, I decided to go ahead and leave a loose end, see how it works, how it develops, how it feels.

      I will read Revelation, but I’m going to read it later, when I’m ready for the conclusion because right now I’m trying to train myself to stop, listen and wait.

      I know that sounds crazy, but I don’t know how else to explain it.

      I will read it though. I’ve never not finished a book so this is very new.

  3. Ty said

    Whenever you get around to reading Revelation, check out your buddy Preacher Mike’s Cliffs Notes on it:
    Your ability to synthesize what you’ve read is pretty stellar, but I think even you might have a hard time with that book. It’s weird! And, I’d also like to point out that it’s probably not as much an “answer to the future” as you seem to think it is…Cool blog. I’ll continue to download it, if you know what I mean.

    • thumpme said

      I will check that out and I suspect I’ll end up reading Revelation by the end of 2011. However, there are a lot of things swarming around my little peanut brain and I’m not ready for that yet. I can tell you that everyone, including people who really have no faith, are on me about reading Revelation. I’ll get there. I’m still processing and it’s all I can do to figure out how to express the take back. Soon I’ll start going to church. Curiosity killed the cat. What does it do to humans?

  4. TN Lizzie said


    Ivy, Faith in and of itself is not enough. It matters, entirely, on the object of your faith.

    The Bible shows how utterly depraved mankind is and how Holy and Righteous God is. There is such a gulf between the two that not one of us is good enough to bridge it. But Jesus is.

    Any faith I have in myself still leaves me on the wrong side of the bridge, no matter how much faith I have.

    Even a tiny amount of faith in Jesus is enough to cross the bridge and find myself in the company of saints – Not because of me, but because the object of my faith is Perfect.
    *See THIS (especially the parallel commentaries) for more explanation about faith)

    I’m extremely proud of your perseverance – You waded through a lot of words in a short amount of time. The words may or may not have made much sense to you, but you now have reference for many expressions you read and hear.

    You’ve made a decision to stop, listen and wait. I think that is wise. You’ve waded through 65 books, and Revelations may be the deepest water yet. Take some time to catch your breath before you dive in to it. You may find far more questions than answers!

    I wish you much happiness in 2011 – May it be a year of conclusions, and of new beginnings!

    Links you may find interesting:
    Grace is for Sinners
    Hope for your New Year’s Resolutions

    Thanks for allowing us to travel along with your journey through the Bible. I have learned a lot!

    • thumpme said

      I appreciate your understanding and I don’t dispute the faith in self suggestion. But, that’s all I have right now. I’m curious to see where this all goes.

      I’m still figuring things out and I do think about the Bible, which is a surprise. I don’t know if I said this, but it really came to me at a point in my life where it was…needed. I don’t know how to express that need but I don’t see it as something higher than what I see and feel. Thank you for the links. I will look at all of them.

  5. […] into the beginning of the rapture, which was supposed to start Saturday, I may have to read the Book of Revelation in Iceland. We’ll see about that. I’m more excited about wearing a Keflavik International […]

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