Oh how I hate Top 10 lists. That being said, I absolutely must share the most interesting Google queries that have led people to a ThumpMe entry. Below are the Top 13 search engine terms that have driven people to ThumpMe:

1. sexy nine (this happened multiple times, likely queried by grammatically challenged, sexually depraved souls)

2. why schizophrenia people stare

3. porn links to send to people (I had several queries like this but this is my fav)

4. i really want to lose weight in 2011

5. i like married white females

6. what the hell, ill have the venison joke

7. easiest way to levite tissue (I’m assuming this is the correct page? Really want to meet this person…)

8. ivy hughes lansing pretty (I have no idea which entry this led to, but it’s obviously my favorite search combo)

9. politically correct term for dwarf (um?)

10. women get what they want

11. bee skin disease

12. luc d’abadie (what does this mean?)

13. medical marijuana prescription lansing

Porn. Links. Comment.

December 6, 2010

Words. They are beautiful, painful, meaningful, empty, random, cathartic, misunderstood, abused, destructive, empowering and confusing.

ThumpMe is a great word. It generates a staggering amount of interest from the adult entertainment industry. Usually they contact me via Facebook, or follow me on Twitter, but one commented on the Sexy Nine post. The comment was OK — “this is the best post ever seen…ok!” — but when I stalked him via the link associated with his name, I ended up in Porn Land, which I can deal with unfortunately, the girls on the site were minors so now MSNBC’s “To Catch a Predator” is probably going to send some 16-year-old in a short skirt and thighs highs to my house. Great. At least it will make for an interesting story.

This week we’re launching Fiction 440, a flash fiction event designed to get people playing with words. We give them three prompts that they have to use some where in the story, a 440-word count and a deadline. Our first prompts: Balls. Cufflinks. Glassware.

If ThumpMe were a flash fiction topic, the prompt would be Porn. Links. Comments.

We can play flash fiction with The Acts too. They’re a snooze. If I wanted to listen to that much courtroom drama, I would have gone to law school. My God. Workable prompts for The Acts include: Gentiles. Romans. Miracle.

“If it weren’t for miracles, the Gentiles, Jews and Romans would chill out and allow me to read things of greater importance such as “I love you but…”

Seriously though, we’re so flippant about syntax. Take the word miracle. In the Bible, miracles are unexplained situations that heal deaf people, jolt the crippled from bed and revive weaving widows.

My miracle criteria are a bit more blasé. “It’s a miracle I’ve survived six Michigan winters.” “It’s a miracle that I haven’t lost my ‘jade is the new black’ nail polish.”

Sometimes I use it correctly. “It’s a miracle I didn’t get raped when I followed a few Dominicans to ghetto fab ‘dance clubs’ in a seedy barrio.” “It’s a miracle that women can make bones, brains and skin.”

Today I looked at the top “miracle” Google news alerts.

1. Keizer Miracle of Christmas lights

(It’s about a Christmas light festival. Really?)

2. No Bobb miracle: Detroit Schools Have Failed

(Poor guy couldn’t save the Detroit schools, which, I suppose would be a miracle.)

3. I’m skipping this one. It’s too stupid for consumption.

4. After ‘miracle,’ shooting victim gives thanks

OK. Getting shot in the face and outpacing death by .5 centimeters counts as a miracle. The others, not so much. But if you don’t believe in a higher power you can’t use the word “miracle” because Merriam-Webster defines miracle as “an extraordinary event manifesting divine intervention in human affairs.”

Guess I’ll have to excommunicate myself from miracles.

Stopping Point: Paul’s Letter to the Romans

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