Want to Lose Weight in 2011? Tell the Truth.

December 20, 2010

I develop what I perceive to be ingenious business ideas at least twice a day. Most recently, I started researching surrogacy and house sitting, the idea being that by combining the two, I could support my writer lifestyle, travel and help people who can’t have children.

Unfortunately, families looking for surrogates are not exactly keen on nomadic women without a stable life plan.

Since the New Year is upon us and people are obsessed with New Year’s resolutions, which are ridiculous because anyone who really wants to change should do so immediately, I’ve devised a new diet — “The Accidental Anorexic.”

The plan is simple — tell your most difficult truths to the people who will suffer the most from them and bam, you’re ready for the runway.

I’ve always had a wicked fast metabolism, I workout, I eat fairly well and I’ve never dieted. Until now. I told a zinger of a truth and have since lost a ridiculous amount of weight I didn’t need to lose. In fact, if I hadn’t slammed my hair in my car door while gassing up my car in Iowa, I would have been whisked away by raging 80 mph winds.

If it weren’t for fermented grapes and Colorado’s finest breweries, I would have already fallen through one of my parents’ heat registers.

Unfortunately “The Accidental Anorexic” business model isn’t sustainable because at some point, the guilt that causes truth tellers to choke on their food will subside and they’ll either start eating or slide into a real eating disorder, which is neither desirable nor funny.

So I’m changing my business plan…again. For a nominal fee, I will absorb weight other woman want to lose and slough it off in a week. Physiologically impossible, yes. Sustainable, definitely.

Paul loves to write letters and many of them are about telling the truth, being honest, blah, blah, blah. He’s emphatic about it, using the one exclamation point in these letters to emphasize his point.

“No more lying then!”

This is much easier said then done, which is why the Catholic Church invented the confession booth. It’s a lot easier to sit in a box and spill your sins through a screen than it is face the person you sinned against and say listen, I want to tell you exactly how I destroyed your life.

Think about it. Nowhere in the Bible does it say people should sit in a box to confess their sins. They do it in the open, fall on their knees, tear out their hair, wrap themselves in sackcloth. Above all else, they fast.

Less than a hundred pages from the end of the Bible and I’m FINALLY living the way God wanted me to. I told the truth, I’m suffering and I’m fasting. Hopefully he’ll forgive me for trying to make a profit on the experience.

The Human Fat Burner, LLC., will be on-line later today. The initial consultation is free. Please feel free to contact me here.

Stopping Point: Paul’s Letter to the Colossians

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