Burn Baby Burn

September 13, 2010

Apparently Colorado is the fourth axis of evil. As per usual, the state is up in flames. Within one week, three major fires broke out along the Front Range. The Boulder fire destroyed 166 homes and is now 87 percent contained. Yesterday, Loveland went up in smoke thanks to a few idiots who failed to snub out a campfire (does Smokey the Bear, the fuzzy guy that indicates FIRE DANGER at every trailhead ring a bell?) Ten percent of the Loveland fire is contained though 700-acres are already toast. We’ve got another one rolling in somewhere around Lyons but as of yet, it isn’t big enough for the front page.

Fires are common in Colorado. It’s a dry state — lives have been lost in water right wars — the pine beetle infestation has turned the state into a tinderbox and residents overpopulate but that’s not the only reason Colorado’s on fire. Coloradans are heathens. And what does God do with heathens? He burns them up.

Psalms 72 through 106 summarize other books, which I’m not particularly fond of, but the reading did open my eyes to the heathen/fire theme. The smell of ash, a three-minute Wikepedia read and Swiss cheese logic lead me to this conclusion: Colorado is burning because it’s a heathen state.

The Evidence:

1. “At 25%, Colorado also has an above average proportion of citizens who claim no religion. The U.S. average is 17%.” — Wikipedia

2. “The Rocky Mountain region has the highest suicide rate in the country. Colorado’s suicide rate at 17.3/100,000 was over 1.5 times the national rate at 11.0/100,000 in 2004, which makes it 6th highest in the nation at roughly 720 deaths each year from suicide (Minino, Heron, Murphy, & Kochanek, 2007).” — Colorado State University Extension

Coloradans don’t like God and, even though they’re educated, blessed with copious amounts of sunshine and gifted with unlimited recreational opportunities, they kill themselves. Heathens.

I am a Coloradan and a heathen. So is my brother. Last night I read him some psalms. After two pages, he put down his graffiti art book and said:

“I’m going to shower because this is too painful for me.”

When he returned, I continued my reading. His response:

“I actually have stuff to do now and I can’t have God chirping in my ear.”

We heathens find this stuff hysterical. Others find it offensive. Unfortunately for the rest of the country, us Colorado heathens are headed for greener, wetter ground. I moved to Michigan 2,081 days ago and my brother and his girlfriend are on their way to Alaska, but we know not what we do. We’re putting our selfish needs before the safety of these beautiful states. Instead of bringing our curse to Michigan or Alaska, we should take two-year mission trips to uglier, flatter states. Naturally God’s wrath would follow us to places such as Nebraska, Kansas and Oklahoma thereby ridding this country of some major eyesores. I believe that if all Coloradans made this two-year sacrifice, God would forgive us for our self-serving ways, lift the curse and stop these dreadful fires.

But, who the hell wants to live in Oklahoma?

Stopping Point: More Psalms (sigh)


One Response to “Burn Baby Burn”

  1. […] Thumpme's Blog Just another WordPress.com site Skip to content HomeAbout ← Burn Baby Burn […]

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