Queen of the Manor

Chris Rock “Kill The Messenger”: What Do Women Want? (HBO)

I’m going to get smacked by the entire women’s movement but let’s face it, women get what they want because they know how to get it. Hard work and patience are all well and good, but knowing how and when to influence is something women have and men learn.

Take the Book of Esther. Here we have King Xerxes, who strips a queen of her crown simply because she refuses to be a party favor at the B.C. equivalent of a boys’ night out. His friends convince him the punishment will keep women in their place and reinforce the idea that “Every husband should be the master of his home and speak with final authority.”

So Xerox starts looking for another queen. He chooses Esther because she’s beautiful. Her intellect isn’t mentioned but is of little consequence because all women — even those with little thought — are capable of getting what they want even if they portend to have everything.

We know two things about Esther. 1. She is beautiful. 2. She doesn’t tell Xerox she’s Jewish.

Xerox’s prime minister, Haman, decides to kill all Jews and gets the king to sign off on the slaughter. When Esther gets word, she calls on her Jewish trump card. First, she invites both men to a banquet and when she appears, Xerox immediately says, “What is it Queen Esther? Tell me what you want, and you shall have it — even if it’s half my empire.”

Building her own empire, Esther turns down the offer and simply asks Xerox and Haman to attend a second banquet. They agree. At the second banquet, the king asks Esther the same question. Esther, ever so polite and conscious of word choice, drops the J-bomb:

“If it pleases Your Majesty to grant my humble request, my wish is that I may live and that my people may live.” (Hello, I’m Jewish. Please change the entire course of history so that I may live with my people.)

Xerox murders Haman and issues an edict allowing Jews to fight and ravage their attackers. After the Jews win, the king again asks Esther what she wants. In all of her femininity, Esther asks Xerox to murder Haman’s sons and he does. Without hesitation.

In the end, Xerox was true to his word. He spoke with authority and, according to his placement in the records of the kings of Persia and Media, was the master of/figurehead of his own home. In fact, his life and “the great and wonderful things” he did, are recorded in the official records of the kings of Persia and Media.

Poor little Esther, who was forced to lived under her husband’s thumb, got a small mention in a scroll confirming the rules for Purim (the holiday celebrating this whole ordeal). She also changed the course of history.

Stopping Point: Job