Gerber Kings

August 11, 2010

Before Christ, people often lived into their 100s, 200s, 300s or 400s but for some reason, children ruled the land. Every single king in the second chunk of The Second Book of Chronicles rose to power before his 30th birthday. Several hadn’t even hit puberty!

Who has world experience at 7? 8? 18? If I’d been put in charge of civilization at 20, for example, it would have been a debacle. Think female version of Animal House. In keeping with B.C. tradition, I would have employed giggilos, which are actually better than concubines because they can’t bear bastard children. But would I have upheld God’s law or advanced society? No way.

I’m nearing 30 and have yet to employ some of life’s basic principles. Those I’ve adapted have been slow in coming. Let’s review:

1.  Don’t get in cars with strangers.

Year of Recognition: 2004, aka., my mountain dweller/hitchhiking phase. After riding in the back of a pickup where I was forced to sit on a pile of full, black trash bags while listening to the driver’s wife discuss menstruation, I decided to go ahead and adapt this one.

2.  Treat others as you want to be treated.

Year of Recognition: This is a work in progress but achievement is unlikely. I don’t think I’ll ever find the value in being nice to people I don’t like.

3. Good things come to those who wait.

Year of Recognition: Seriously?

4. Keep your hands to yourself.

Year of Recognition: 2000. After being hunted down by revenge seeking Greeks who wanted to lay me out for obliterating a powder-puff opponent’s nose, I decided pockets might be a good idea.

5. Respect your elders.

Year of Recognition: 1999, a change prompted by administrative trouble regarding an unsolicited face-to-face evaluation of the yearbook teacher, her life choices and teaching qualifications.

6. Money can’t buy happiness.

Year of Recognition: 2005, the year we moved to Michigan. I now find happiness in community gardens, Dicker & Deal and canned domestic beer.

7. Follow your dreams.

Year of Recognition: 2001. Following a small crisis of sanity, I changed majors from business to journalism, officially flushing my plans to “not have any fun in school,” “graduate in three years” and, following graduation, “start crushing heads while climbing the corporate ladder.”

8. Think before you speak.

Year of Recognition: Ha!

9. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Year of Recognition: Work in progress.

10. Careful what you wish for.

Year of Recognition: 2005. Turns out that being trapped in a hurricane for three days without food, water and electricity is NOT fun, especially when you’re on your honeymoon and the only source of entertainment is Somerset Maugham’s “Of Human Bondage” and Upton Sinclair’s “The Jungle.”

11. Sharing makes everything more enjoyable.

Year of Recognition: This is a lie.

12. Everyone is responsible for his or her own actions.

Year of Recognition: 2002. Mug shots. Enough said.

I’m 29. These are basic principles and it’s taken me years to embrace just a few. Am I ready to rule an entire nation? No. Was I ready when I was seven? No.

Why then, would 200-year-olds agree to let seven-year-olds take the reigns? Lineage. Hm. Now that’s something to think about.

Stopping Point: The Book of Ezra


5 Responses to “Gerber Kings”

  1. Ryan Knott said

    This is my favorite post so far. Behind your quiet exterior hides some sort of crazy she-devil. And that’s cool.

    • thumpme said

      Thanks Ryan. Yes, there’s quite a bit of she-devil. Quite a bit. As I’ve gotten older and realized no, I am not in fact invincible, I’ve had to tame her a little. This is a conversation better suited for spirits…

  2. Jes said

    Love it!!
    And if you ever feel like sharing, would love to know more about #’s 5 and 12! 🙂

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