Touchdown!

June 16, 2010

I initially found this section fraught with uninteresting detail. With the exception of the 10 Commandments, this portion of Exodus is like participating in a Broadway rehearsal. Wear a rope here, gold there, rub bull blood there, don’t walk here, offer here, waste wine over here – far too many details for my attention span, an affliction to be broached when a certain medicinal trailer moves through Lansing.

I started this section with the 10 Cs but since they’re revised later on, let’s get straight to the nut of my new affection for the Lord. Orgies and alcohol.

After the yada yada yada blah blah blah about robes, tents, lamps and whatnot, the people, who are left to their own devices because Moses is with the Lord working on wardrobe, “… sat down to a feast, which turned into an orgy of drinking and sex.” Yes please.

The people had this orgy before a homemade golden bull calf alter, which  prohibited by the 10 Cs where the Lord SPECIFICALLY tells his people not to worship anything – idols, metals, Gods, what have you – other than himself. The amazing part – and the reason I may relax my resistance against the Lord’s rules – is that the only thing about the situation that pisses him off is the gold-bull calf.

“So the Lord sent a disease on the people, because they had caused Aaron to make the gold-bull calf.”

I can’t blame the Lord for getting a little peeved. Everyone has their own idea of proper orgy ambiance. The Lord just happens to dislike bronze and all other metals.

“Do not make gods of metal and worship them,” he says to Moses and his people.

This prohibition may explain the recent destruction of Ohio’s Touchdown Jesus. The structure was made of plastic foam and fiberglass over a steel frame. Unfortunately for Touchdown, steel is an iron alloy. Goodnight Jesus. My reading has yet to bring me to Jesus so I’m unsure as to whether he is amenable to metals. If he is, it would appear that the burning of Touchdown Jesus was a man made event, not a punishment from God.

If you are unfamiliar with Touchdown Jesus dirt eating incident, please check out the following video.

Version one of the 10 Cs makes sense until the Lord lists his addendums. If this then that. If this then that THEN this then this, then this. It’s like reading a Senate bill. The “do not desire” component of the 10 Cs is antithetical to human nature and American culture. If we did not desire, would our economy be collapsing and would we be at war?

The 10 Commandments round deux is fine, but the details about the lamp stand, the covenant box and the making of the Lord’s tent is just tedium. Basically he adds more bronze. Men.

Stopping Point: Leviticus

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5 Responses to “Touchdown!”

  1. […] books, I was pretty irritated. As I mentioned in “The Lord has Heard Your Whining” and “Touchdown!”, I find the details in the Bible painfully unnecessary. Or I […]

  2. Julianne said

    I happened upon your blog and have since been keeping up with it religiously… excuse the word choice. Anyways, I thought of you when I read this: http://www.ariel.com.au/jokes/Dr_Laura_and_Leviticus.html.

  3. […] gets to decide what is a hallucination; an idol; a dream; a message from God; or a joke? What, really, is the difference between someone who sees a […]

  4. […] am finishing my second drink, but look up in time to see a Jesus statue and a Tiger Woods bobble head on a small shelf looking over, maybe blessing the bar.  Below is a […]

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