A Brief History of Familial Dysfunction

June 7, 2010

I’m sitting in my bedroom, brooding. The pain pills prescribed to heal my injured toe are not working. Since the mad scientists watered down by the FDA have quashed my fantasies of a buzz, I’m running through and adding to the list of people who have wronged me — primarily family members and strangers — while simultaneously weighing the fiscal viability of a shark-for-hire or communicable-disease-for-hire service industry.

I am not a churchgoer, but I’ve hear the whole God is forgiving bit. Actually, he isn’t.  He’s a narcissistic hypocrite, which explains why I’ve never been able to bow my head or close my eyes when forced to pray. In Genesis, or when God decided man could come into being, he not only sets man up for failure, he uses his power to punish those he doesn’t like and reward those he does. The funny thing is, I can’t figure out how he chooses good and evil. Why did Noah get to build an arc? Because he gave an offering to the Lord that smelled good? Cain gave God his harvest before Abel gave him a chopped up sheep, but God got pissed at Cain. Why? I guess we were never meant to be vegetarian.

I don’t see any forgiveness yet.

I’ve also learned about Shem (wasn’t he an original Stooge?) and Ham, whom I can’t imagine had much in terms of self-esteem. I’m curious to see if they turn up on subsequent pages and if so, what role they play.

I’m confused by Abram’s story. God gives him this awesome piece of land than creates a drought and forces Abram to Egypt where his beautiful wife has to be disguised as his sister so he doesn’t get killed? Then we get into a little Indecent Proposal because the king gives Abram gifts in exchange for his wife’s company.  But later on she gives him permission to take on a concubine so I guess it’s all good. Does monotony ever get addressed in the Bible? At this point sex is a circus and the carnal relationships don’t fall in line with what I’ve heard from Christians who seem to favor monotony over pleasure, especially Catholics who are anti-divorce.

Then we get into the warring kingdoms. It’s confusing and stupid and reinforces my commitment to ignore what we know as the Middle East. Well, everything but oil, which is pretty cool and pretty neutral in terms of dinner conversation.

The circumcision covenant is interesting. I’ll have to revisit that one and the multitudes of sexual norms/deviations presented in this first section. I can’t tell if norms or deviations are a human construct. Thus far homosexuality has been met with blindness and incest life.

I thought reading the Bible while brooding would calm my irritations and encourage forgiveness, but it actually just normalized the moronic nature of relationships, particularly those bound by blood. Apparently families have been dysfunctional since the beginning of time. As the Godfather, God holds the promises he makes over his loved ones’ heads and every time they get close to cashing in, he reneges or changes the rules. I’ll give you descendants if you do this. OK. Now I’ll give you descendents if you do this. OK. Now if you do this. OK. This must be where family game playing was created. Family members play favorites, engage in healthy acts of jealousy, rivalry, spite, deception and torture.

Example: “When Esau was forty years old, he married two Hittite girls, Judith the daughter of Beeri, and Basemath the daughter of Elon. They made life miserable for Issac and Rebecca.”

We’ve also got kicking in the womb, sexual punishment and steeling. This could be good.

First impression of the Bible: I wish the Goddamn thing had consecutive page numbers. Second impression: What about some pictures or a family tree? Come on God! Throw me a bone.

I also like Uz and Buz. This could be another case of déjà vu, but I’m pretty sure we’ve met before.

Stopping point: Genesis, Jacob Meets Esau

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3 Responses to “A Brief History of Familial Dysfunction”

  1. […] I started this blog, I couldn’t think of anyone I consider an out and out enemy. But that’s because my definition […]

  2. […] are for celebrating dysfunction. It’s OK. All families are dysfunctional even the “normal” ones — it’s called denial. Don’t stress out about, enjoy it. You’re […]

  3. […] were created to celebrate dysfunction. It’s OK. All families are dysfunctional even the “normal” ones — it’s called denial. Don’t stress out about, enjoy it. You’re […]

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